If You Don’t Have Anything Good to Say

Don’t say anything at all.

That’s where I’ve been, lately. Things are not going very well and I’ve been too worn out to try to write, and even if I hadn’t been, all I would be able to do is complain. So I’ve stayed away.

I’m really battling the depression lately. Only it’s gotten to be more than that. I feel like I’m about to crack. Actually, more like I’ve already cracked and I’m just trying to hold the pieces together with scotch tape and bubble gum. The pressure is so great that I know it won’t last. Every day I lose another piece, but I’m fucking trying.

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to drop them. My mental strength is flagging and I’m just so tired. I can’t though, as badly as I want to. I’ve got to keep it together because, who would keep the kids while I get a little brain break? So I’ll keep going.

There are a LOT of things bothering me, but also one or two good things (besides my children being healthy and happy, of course). I have great friends who are there for me and care about me as much as I care about them. It’s so helpful to know people are pulling for me.

I changed my name on Facebook back to my maiden name and I’ve reconnected with a couple of highschool friends. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that I still like them. A new friendship is blossoming from an old one, and there’s no telling where it might lead.

I have a job. I hate some aspects of my job, but there’s potential in the near future (so they say) for me to have a branch of my own. That would alleviate a lot of the stress I have from work right now. I still have a job, even though I cussed out my boss yesterday. So I’m very lucky for that.

I’ve come to a decision about something I’ve been waffling over. I don’t know exactly how to put it in motion, but at least I’ve decided.

My divorce is closer to being final. I still don’t have a court date, but it’s bound to be closer.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. At least I think I did. I definitely made an appointment, but now I’m not sure if it was a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I’m really hoping for the former. I need meds. I need them now. I only need to keep it together until March 9.

Until then, I keep on keeping on. Faking it til I’m making it. All that shit. And focusing on the things that make me happy.

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Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 11:23 pm  Comments (8)  
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A Whole New Year

Generally speaking, the first day of a new year, and in this case, a new decade, doesn’t bring a sudden realization of the changes coming.  A little while ago, I was stuck by this very thing.  You see, I’ve been a mother of a small child for the last seven and a half years.  As soon as the first got out of babyhood and was in that grey area between toddler and big kid, I had another.  And repeat.  The littlest, the third, is now getting to that age when my body starts thinking another baby would be a good idea.  Thank God I had the forethought to get a tubal last time, so there will be no more baby making in this uterus.  But?  What now?  Some days, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day they’ll be bigger and won’t need me to do every fucking thing for them.  My kids wear me out.  And I know I’ll miss these days.  I’ll miss it when they won’t talk to me in sentences longer than three words.  I’ll miss it when they’d rather be with their friends than me.  The last seven point five years have been hard but so rewarding.  And I sort of thought it would always be this way.

But today I have been stricken and I sort of don’t know what to do with myself.

I was up way too late last night celebrating the new year (alone physically but connecting with my nearest and dearest friends on the phone) and when the kids woke up at eight o’clock this morning I thought I was going to die.  When I remembered I had forgotten yet again to pick up coffee I was sure of it.  I guzzled a Diet Pepsi and rooted around for a few Advil when I remembered I had forgotten to pick that up too.  So I turned on the brain torturing cartoons and set my alarm on my phone for 15 minutes.  That was all I needed, just a teensy tiny little power nap while I waited for the meager amounts of caffeine in the soda to reach my brain. 

I woke up three hours later, cell phone in hand, alarm missed and 14 texts unread.  Oh my God!  What had the kids been doing?!  I ran out to the living room and there they were, bowls of cereal at hand, mesmerized by the TV.  The oldest had fixed them all breakfast and was taking care of them and making sure they didn’t wake me up.  I’m still a little shaken by the whole episode.  Then a little while later, I took them to McDonald’s for lunch.  When we got back, not only did the oldest want to go check the mail, he came back to the car and got his sister so she could go with him.  I watched as they neared the street and they stopped and looked both ways, then held hands to cross the street.  I was shocked and proud. 

We came back inside and the littlest sat at the table without a high chair or booster to eat his Happy Meal and Noah sent his grandfather a text all by himself.  That was when I saw how things are changing.  How, exactly, am I supposed to handle this shit?!

Oh and by the way, you’re right about keeping our names out of the blog entirely.  So I’ll rename them, but I can’t think of anything really cool.  Wanna help?  And should I rename myself or can I still be me?

Published in: on January 1, 2010 at 8:09 pm  Comments (13)  
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The Obligatory New Year’s Resolutions Post

Oh and So I Started a New Blog

I know you’ll be reading a gazillion New Year’s resolution posts, but I really couldn’t think of a better way to start a new blog.  I’ve been just dying to write again, and now I finally have both the Net and the free Acer laptop I won from Deb on the Rocks (because she really, truly, does rock!) so I actually can write again.

I haven’t set up the blog, really.  I haven’t done the about page or added any widgets or any other shit.  I’m tired and it’s 11:17 at the moment and I just fucking want to write. So, I’m writing.  If you know me from before, you already know most of the nasty details of my life anyway.  Long story short?  I’m a recently separated, almost divorced, single mother of three kids, the oldest of which is seven.  I’m going to try not to mention their names here, because I checked and you can find my old blog simply by Googling our names together.  I need to be more anonymous.  My family has found the old blog, including N o a h’s dad and stepmom.  Obviously, Thomas (my ex) knows the name of the old one.  So a new year and a new blog.  A whole new life in fact.  I really like the sound of that.

On to the resolutions!  The last few years I haven’t bothered to do any because I just fuck them up anyway, but this time?  I’m ready for some changes.  The word “resolution” is a good word.  It means a problem being resolved.  In fact the word itself has the word “solution” in it.  A solution to a problem.  I’m sure you already knew all that, but it only just occurred to me.  Anyway, here they are…

1. Handle my finances better.  I looked at a bank statement the other day.  It’s not something I usually do, to tell the truth.  When I noticed the total amount deposited to my account I was surprised to say the least.  Then I checked the debits, and sure enough, there was an obscene amount of superfluous spending going on.  Considering what I’m making at work, and all the child support, I should NOT be broke.  Hell, the amount I’m spending on lunches alone was staggering.  So I resolve to balance my checkbook, give myself an allowance, and budget my money.  Now that I’m a single parent, I need to figure out how I’m going to manage putting three kids through college and save for retirement. 

2. Get a new job. Or get a promotion.  I haven’t really decided.  All I know is I do not like being an assistant manager.  I’ve been in management since I was 19!  I love/hate my job now.  Even if a position opens for me to be promoted, I’m not entirely sure I want to be with this company.  Basically, I don’t trust them.

3. Get the weight off.  I’m fat.  I hate it.  It’s time to start working out and dieting again.  All the fast food for lunch is making it hard on my body and my wallet!  Even the salads are loaded down with so much goodness they’re as fattening as a burger!  Lean Cuisine is good though, so I resolve to exercise and have a healthy lunch every day.  At least every day during the week.

4. Get organized. This is the big one for me.  I need my home life to be in order and it just isn’t.  When it’s not, everything else suffers.  I don’t work out because I don’t want to pick up toys just to make room.  I’m late for work because I can’t find the kids’ clothes or my brush or whatever.  It all starts here, so I resolve to get organized.

And now, dear heart, I’m worn out.  My eyes are closing as I type.  It sure is great to be back, though!

Published in: on December 31, 2009 at 4:46 am  Comments (15)  
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