Dear Thomas

I want to thank you, Thomas, for everything you’ve done for me recently. I know that’s shocking, considering all the fucking hell you’ve put me through. The way you treated me while we were married was bad enough, but all the shitty things you’ve done since you left make the old you look like a saint. Seriously, though, I have a lot to thank you for.

Thank you for beating me down with your snide little comments and dismissive attitude all those years. You made me feel like I was less than you. At first I fought it tooth and nail because I knew better, but eventually, especially when I got pregnant the third time and gained ALL that weight, I really started to believe you.

Thank you for making me think no one else would ever love me and that I HAD to put up with you. I mean, who else would want a fat mom to three kids, right?¬†And speaking of the kids, thank you for trying your best to keep me barefoot and pregnant. I wouldn’t have all three of my incredible, awesome, totally AMAZING kids without your help.

Thank you for not being there for the kids after you left. Thank you for not getting them on the weekends you’re supposed to get them and for not paying the child support the way you know you should. True, you paid it some, and you’re absolutely right, you don’t have to pay a dime until there’s a court order.

Thank you for making me cry, and struggle, and wonder how in the world am I going to pull this off. Thanks for your all around dickheadedness, these past eleven and a half months in particular. Oh, and thanks for not only cheating on me with the little girl you left me for, but for the several times you slept with girls working for you. Yeah, I found out about it, and it doesn’t even upset me except for the fact you could have given me an STD.

If it had not been for you and the way you treated me then and now, I wouldn’t have found myself again. I’d still be that weak woman you turned me into. I grew stronger with your leaving, but if I had not had to put up with so much crap from you since, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And you know the most amazing thing? For the first time in my life, I actually love who I am. I have a lot of short-comings, sure. We all do. But I’m okay with that now. I’ve learned perfection is unattainable. I’m happy with my curvy body and satisfied with my life. I do still want to lose more weight, but it doesn’t control every thought now. Hell, I’ve lost about eighty pounds since Tripp was born, and if I never lose another, I’m happy with that.

I never would have grown so close to my kids if you had still been around. I remember how you wouldn’t let them talk to me when you were home. Noah in particular. Now my kids know they can always talk to me, no matter what. I’m 100% in love with them, and they are with me. And they’re good kids. I’ve been doing well with them. They’re happy now, and that’s a hell of a lot more than I can say about when you were here.

I speak my mind now, and I think people even like that about me. I still try to use tact, but I never try to be someone I’m not based on who I’m around. I wouldn’t have learned to do that if it hadn’t been for the last eleven and a half months.

If you hadn’t been so completely awful to me, I wouldn’t know what a good man is. If your love hadn’t been so conditional, I wouldn’t know what unconditional love is. You were wrong, Thomas. There is a man who will love me. He loves me exactly the way I am. He even loves my stretch marks and kangaroo pouch. He loves my love of food, and matches it. He loves my mind, my body, my spirit. He doesn’t care that I’m not perfect, because I’m perfect for him and he’s perfect for me. And soon, he’ll love my children. Yes, he’s happy that I have kids, because he’s always wanted to be a dad.

So, you see, Thomas, I have a lot to be thankful to you for. You can’t control me anymore. Can’t intimidate me. Can’t anything at all. You’ve even tried to control me since you left by withholding the child support and refusing to get the kids. Funny thing is, it doesn’t bother me any more. You’re nothing to me and that’s the best feeling in the world. Well, you know, besides loving myself and my kids and my man. Thanks for giving me happiness, even though you were trying to torture me. I’m so incredibly happy now!

Published in: on April 25, 2010 at 4:36 pm  Comments (13)