If You Don’t Have Anything Good to Say

Don’t say anything at all.

That’s where I’ve been, lately. Things are not going very well and I’ve been too worn out to try to write, and even if I hadn’t been, all I would be able to do is complain. So I’ve stayed away.

I’m really battling the depression lately. Only it’s gotten to be more than that. I feel like I’m about to crack. Actually, more like I’ve already cracked and I’m just trying to hold the pieces together with scotch tape and bubble gum. The pressure is so great that I know it won’t last. Every day I lose another piece, but I’m fucking trying.

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to drop them. My mental strength is flagging and I’m just so tired. I can’t though, as badly as I want to. I’ve got to keep it together because, who would keep the kids while I get a little brain break? So I’ll keep going.

There are a LOT of things bothering me, but also one or two good things (besides my children being healthy and happy, of course). I have great friends who are there for me and care about me as much as I care about them. It’s so helpful to know people are pulling for me.

I changed my name on Facebook back to my maiden name and I’ve reconnected with a couple of highschool friends. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that I still like them. A new friendship is blossoming from an old one, and there’s no telling where it might lead.

I have a job. I hate some aspects of my job, but there’s potential in the near future (so they say) for me to have a branch of my own. That would alleviate a lot of the stress I have from work right now. I still have a job, even though I cussed out my boss yesterday. So I’m very lucky for that.

I’ve come to a decision about something I’ve been waffling over. I don’t know exactly how to put it in motion, but at least I’ve decided.

My divorce is closer to being final. I still don’t have a court date, but it’s bound to be closer.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. At least I think I did. I definitely made an appointment, but now I’m not sure if it was a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I’m really hoping for the former. I need meds. I need them now. I only need to keep it together until March 9.

Until then, I keep on keeping on. Faking it til I’m making it. All that shit. And focusing on the things that make me happy.

Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 11:23 pm  Comments (8)  
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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. We’re pulling for you – and we’re here for you, all us Bunker folk 🙂

    And even if your doc is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, they should have a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner who they work with, who will be able to see you quickly and get you meds if they believe you need them. Just remember to be honest with the doc – let them know how hard a time you’re having, and they’ll be open to possibly giving you meds.

  2. […] If You Don't Have Anything Good to Say « Smorkopolis […]

  3. My divorce was finalized on March 13 of 2008. I think, I don’t really remember the date, but that sounds right. I hope that gives you hope that someday you won’t remember either because your life will just be so spectacularly better you won’t have time to remember this bullshit.

    • I know you are, and it helps a lot. I’m here for you, too. ❤

      I called the doctor's office today, and my appointment is with a psychiatrist. Thank goodness. I'll be honest. I'm bursting to tell someone how tough it's been, so I don't think that will be a problem. I'm tired of being strong.

      • Hmm. How did I manage to screw that up? The previous reply is actually for Trish.

        Poppy- Thank you, honey. That helps a lot. I know one day this will be behind me and it won’t matter anymore. I can’t wait to GET to that day!

      • shrinks are good , i check in now n then , true !

  4. Hang tough, Wendy. Thinking of you.

  5. hey Wendy hang in there , depression is definatly something you cannot do alone , takes help and or meds . i know . been there took a long time to get past that . i felt like i went to hell n half of Georgia . hell i wondered if i ever get back to work . so things did get better . i wonder where are you now ? home or work ! take care no one get lower than i was xcept whale shit , its on the bottom of the ocean ! /

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