If You Don’t Have Anything Good to Say

Don’t say anything at all.

That’s where I’ve been, lately. Things are not going very well and I’ve been too worn out to try to write, and even if I hadn’t been, all I would be able to do is complain. So I’ve stayed away.

I’m really battling the depression lately. Only it’s gotten to be more than that. I feel like I’m about to crack. Actually, more like I’ve already cracked and I’m just trying to hold the pieces together with scotch tape and bubble gum. The pressure is so great that I know it won’t last. Every day I lose another piece, but I’m fucking trying.

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to drop them. My mental strength is flagging and I’m just so tired. I can’t though, as badly as I want to. I’ve got to keep it together because, who would keep the kids while I get a little brain break? So I’ll keep going.

There are a LOT of things bothering me, but also one or two good things (besides my children being healthy and happy, of course). I have great friends who are there for me and care about me as much as I care about them. It’s so helpful to know people are pulling for me.

I changed my name on Facebook back to my maiden name and I’ve reconnected with a couple of highschool friends. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that I still like them. A new friendship is blossoming from an old one, and there’s no telling where it might lead.

I have a job. I hate some aspects of my job, but there’s potential in the near future (so they say) for me to have a branch of my own. That would alleviate a lot of the stress I have from work right now. I still have a job, even though I cussed out my boss yesterday. So I’m very lucky for that.

I’ve come to a decision about something I’ve been waffling over. I don’t know exactly how to put it in motion, but at least I’ve decided.

My divorce is closer to being final. I still don’t have a court date, but it’s bound to be closer.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. At least I think I did. I definitely made an appointment, but now I’m not sure if it was a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I’m really hoping for the former. I need meds. I need them now. I only need to keep it together until March 9.

Until then, I keep on keeping on. Faking it til I’m making it. All that shit. And focusing on the things that make me happy.

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Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 11:23 pm  Comments (8)  
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A Letter to Today

Dear Today,

Generally speaking, I’m pretty easy going. It takes a lot to get me to the point of throwing in the towel and you have actually managed to get me there. I am so over you, Today. You kicked my ass and I’m done with you. You started it this morning when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I mean that literally. I leave my cell on the night stand on the right side of the bed, and I sleep on the left side so I can’t just reach out and slap the phone when the alarm goes off. But, Today, tell me exactly how it could happen that I woke an hour late with my hand still ON the phone, when I wasn’t even supposed to be close to it. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed just started us off wrong, and I was willing to overlook it. Oh, but you weren’t done with me, Today.

When I woke the kids up, Diva woke up with that name-sake attitude she gets sometimes. I’m sure you had something to do with that. That alone was bad enough, but when I realized the only clean clothes I had for her were a pair of pants that were too big in the waist and a little too short in the legs and a sweatshirt with nail polish on it, it was even worse. Have you been plotting against me with that bitch, Yesterday?? How could you? I wanted our relationship to work, and I tried so hard to make it happen. You just wouldn’t cooperate, Today! I finally managed to get the kids dressed and loaded up, and just when I got far enough from home that I couldn’t turn back, I remembered that I had forgotten my make-up. That was a precursor to all the things I remembered I had forgotten, Today. I dropped the kids off at their proper places and sped on to work. When I got there, I went to Food Lion to buy replacement foundation. Luckily, I had eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara in my purse. And do you know why? Because of all the other Days I’ve dealt with in my past. Naturally, Food Lion didn’t have the mineral make-up I like, so I bought a cream-to-powder kind. I dashed back to the office, ripped it out of the package, and started smearing the goo on with the provided sponge. By the time I was done, I looked like a vampire. Holding the product to my inner wrist, the color matched almost perfectly, but not on my face. I had to endure it for an hour while I waited for CVS to open. Again, I’ve learned from ex-Days, and knew from experience that I could find what I was looking for there. Today, I spent $25.oo on make-up I didn’t even need, and it’s all your fault.

You couldn’t even keep the temperatures right, Today! When Blaze went into school this morning, he forgot his jacket in the car. I wasn’t too worried about it because it was sunny, warmish, and I had dressed him in long sleeved layers this morning. Then, the clouds rolled in and the temp dropped. I went ahead and took an early lunch at 10:00 and brought his jacket to him at school. I got back to the office at 10:40 and had yet to get started on my actual work. I wasted two hours, Today, and I was beginning to feel like you were trying to fuck with me. I couldn’t let you get the best of me, so I squared my shoulders and started on my call list. How many times was I hung up on, Today?? And was that enough to satisfy your sadistic sense of humor? No. You just had to keep going, you sick son of a bitch.

At 1:00, I got a call from the kids’ school. When my CSR told me it was the school calling it really scared me! The school has never called me! It was Diva’s teacher, saying she had had an accident. In the split second between sentences, images of my child bloodied and hurt flashed through my frazzled brain before I made the connection that “accident” meant she wet herself. Today, I had to clock out TWO times and go to the school TWO times.

When I got back to the office, it was one thing after another. You really didn’t let up! I counted down the minutes until I could leave, Today, and that’s not how I roll. In fact, your entire attitude Today is not how I roll! I’ve spent the last few hours ignoring you. Pretending you don’t exist. And yet you’re still here and it’s ALL about Today. I’m done with you. I want Today out of my life. I don’t want to ever see you or hear from you again. You’re over.

And I? I am moving on to greener pastures. Tomorrow is calling.

Published in: on February 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm  Comments (4)  

Spin Me Right Round, Baby

It’s about 1:30 in the morning right now, and I’m still not sleeping. Have you ever been just too tired to go to bed? Too tired to do anything at all? That has been me since November. I’m just flat worn out, beyond that even. I’ve heard before of movie stars or rock stars being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion and I would scoff at their weakness. I mean, NOBODY gets so tired they have to go to the hospital. These are just pampered wimps who can’t deal. Right? One of these days, I’ll learn to keep opinions to myself because it seems like I always wind up eating my words.

We all know how hard it is to be a parent, whether you’re a mom or a dad, working in the home or outside the home. It’s the hardest job there is! I never doubted that for a second, but when I became a single mother to three children, with the oldest being only seven, I knew I was in for it. I was keenly aware there would be sacrifices, and while I can’t really say I was up for it, I steeled my nerves, avoided my problems, and chugged along. I was nervous to go back to work after three years home with the kids, but I knew I could do it. And I got a job that I love (at times) but it, too, came with more downsides than I realized. The hours I work are gruesome. Every week is at least 45, often 50, and sometimes even more. My job is certainly not physically demanding, but I work my ass off every day. Working in collections is very stressfull, and it takes a certain person to be able to do it. I’m good at it, and even enjoy it for the most part. And in case you’re wondering, my conscious feels good about it, too. I treat my customers with respect and friendly professionalism.

It all has gotten to be too much, though. Last week, Monday or Tuesday, I can’t remember now, I didn’t sleep well the night before. I got a total of maybe four hours of sleep, and it was broken by bad dreams. It must have been Monday night that I didn’t sleep well. I think. The day doesn’t really matter, I guess. We’ll just say it was so I can stop worrying about it and move on.

Anyway.

Tuesday morning at work I didn’t feel well, but as usual, I ignored it and kept working. By noon, I started getting dizzy. I thought my blood sugar was low, even though I had eaten half a Slim Fast bar for breakfast. I popped a glucose tablet in my mouth and kept working. I was still dizzy fifteen minutes later, so I popped another one. And another in fifteen more minutes. My head felt strange. Disconnected, like I was watching an uninteresting movie through a tunnel. I couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t think at all really. I was still really dizzy, so I told the boss I needed to go get lunch right then, and went across the street to Taco Bell. It was strange, I didn’t feel hungry at all, and I didn’t have the shakes or cold sweat that usually comes with my sugar being low. I brought my food back to the office, worried about wrecking the whole time because I was so dizzy it was hard to drive.

I ate a little in the breakroom, unable to force myself to eat more than a taco and a half. The dizziness still did not leave. I realized it couldn’t have been low blood sugar, but I didn’t know what it could be. Friends on Twitter and Facebook suggested I drink some water, that maybe I was dehydrated. I tried that and still didn’t feel any better. In fact, I began to feel worse. I went back to my desk and told the boss how awful I was feeling. He was concerned, but I brushed him off, saying I would be fine. I tried to focus on my work and couldn’t. It was a strange feeling, like I was spinning round and round. I thought several times that I was going to faint, and had to grab onto the desk to keep myself from falling.

By 4:00, my boss was freaking a little. He insisted on closing the branch and taking me to the hospital. I had held him off for over an hour, but I continued to feel bad, the tunnel vision was getting worse, and the dizziness was almost non-stop. Had the hospital been further away, I still would not have allowed him to take me. So he got me to the emergency room, held my hand while he walked me in to keep me from falling. I shooed him back to the office, and went into Triage. They got me back pretty quickly, considering the number of people waiting. I only waited about fifteen minutes before they got me in the back.

The nurse came in and asked some questions, then the doctor came in and asked the same questions again. Three hours and a cat-nap later, and I was diagnosed with exhaustion and excessive stress. And I feel like an idiot for going to the ER because I was tired.

I’ve tried to take it a little more easy this week, but it’s hard. I didn’t clean at night, and the house was a disaster, which made me feel worse about everything. I was able to rest a little today, though, and got a little cleaning done. I just need to get through this next six day work week, then I’ll be fine. We’ll be back to five days a week again, for the most part. Then I can work on getting rid of some stress.

Published in: on February 8, 2010 at 2:17 am  Comments (11)  

Hey You

Sometimes a song will run through the  back of my mind nearly constantly. I realize sometimes this is because certain songs resonate with my current feelings. Got a hell of a lot going on right now, including a trip to the ER (I’m fine. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow). And through it all, I hear this inside me head.

Hey You- Pink Floyd

Hey you! Out there in the cold

Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?

Hey you! Standing in the aisles

With itchy feet and fading smiles, can you feel me?

Hey you! Don’t help them to bury the live

Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you! Out there on your own

Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?

Hey you! With your ear against the wall

Waiting for someone to call out would you touch me?

Hey you! Would you help me to carry the stone

Open your heart. I’m coming home.

But it was only a fantasy

The wall was too high, as you can see

No matter how he tried, he could not break free

And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you! Out there on the road

Always doing what you’re told, can you help me?

Hey you! Out there beyond the wall

Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?

Hey you! Don’t tell me there’s no hope at all

Together we stand, divided we fall.

Published in: on February 3, 2010 at 11:54 pm  Comments (2)