I’m in the Red

I shouldn’t write this post. I should just try to let it go, but this is the only way I know how to let things go. Sometimes, when I write, the thoughts flow from my brain, to my fingertips, to the keyboard. A good day is when they flow out completely, but sometimes they circulate back. My only reason for writing this is the hope to get it out. I’m not being passive-aggressive, bitchy, nor do I have any ulterior motives. At all.

I’m hurt.

I’ve never been the type of person to have a ton of friends. I know and speak to a lot of people, but it’s very rare for me to find someone that I feel I can trust completely. It became even harder after Dick left last year. I thought I knew him completely, thought we were forever, and we weren’t. It turned out that he was someone I didn’t know at all. Meeting new people after that, I’ve reminded myself over and over that people aren’t who they make out to be. I tried to be careful. I tried to surround myself virtually with people who could get me, who I could trust, who really cared about me. Most importantly, with people I could really be myself around. 

Today, one of my closest friends told me it’s time to end the friendship. I had not sensed this coming. Just the opposite, in fact. I thought we had grown closer over the last couple of months. All because I said something the other day on my blog about an ENTIRELY different friend and it was assumed I was talking about this friend and another friend. What is really upsetting to me is that neither of them asked me what I was talking about. They both assumed I was talking about them and I was not. I don’t have to explain myself, but I would have gladly done so. What I alluded to was someone’s secret and it wasn’t mine to tell. Had I been any less general in what I wrote, I would have been telling her secret.

The other thing this person mentioned was a comment I left on their blog. This friend had recently been hurt and I was concerned. I read the post that morning but didn’t have time to comment. When I went to comment that night, part of what I was going to comment about was gone. I asked if the post had been edited. Apparently I come off as having ulterior motives now. Yes, I was a little angry about the friend who hurt the other friend. About the method of causing the hurt. I’m a nurturer and a protector and I told this friend I didn’t like it. I’ve never hid how I feel about this friend, that friend, or the new situation. I tried to be there for my friend, even saying I’m sure the friend didn’t mean to cause the hurt and that I’m sure that friend was only doing what they thought was best.

I don’t understand people who don’t say how they feel. I said how I felt because that is who I am. All my life growing up, I was stifled, and that carried on to both my marriages. I can’t be that person anymore. I don’t understand how saying something someone did to you was hurtful is bad. I really just don’t get it!

I’ve been told many times to write whatever I feel because this is my space. That’s why I’m writing this now. I seriously doubt either friend will read this because I’ve been unfollowed on Twitter and unfriended on Facebook. It’s obvious to me now that these people maybe weren’t my friends in the first place, or they would have at least asked me what I was talking about. I hope that I’m not about to lose all my other friends in addition to these two. That typically happens when a friendship splits.

So much has been happening and I’m fucking tired. My emotional bank account is in the red and I really don’t know how to get it back in the black anymore.

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Published in: on January 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (23)  

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23 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. you can’t always be careful. if you are too careful with yourself you would never experience true friendship. and without going through the lows in life i dont believe we can ever experience the highs. please dont let the odd petty person put you off other truly honest open friendships that are out there waiting for you.
    you are one of my best friends and im always here for you albeit on the other end of a phone in a different timezone, but still lol.
    love you x

    • I’ll try not to let this effect other friendships. Thanks for being there for me tonight, babe. You’re one of my best friends, too. And same goes. I’m always here for you, too. Love you too.

      • yeah now remember you cannot unbounce the ball !

  2. I think you are AMAZING….and have been through a lot….and ‘Friends’ are SUPPOSED to be with you through that….I don’t know the history of the situation…but many times when someone leaves your life it IS for a reason and leaves you with more space for YOU….which I think YOU need. Of course you need people by your side, and you do….I am by your side even if only from a distance & I think you know so many other people are, as well.
    You are an important part of so many worlds…and that is what you should focus on & rememeber…..
    People that don’t ‘get’ you or walk away are better left in the past…
    There is so much more that awaits in your future….
    xoxoxo

    • Thank you. I don’t feel so awesome right now though. Maybe I will be able to see this as a blessing in disguise soon.

  3. It’s always hard to lose a friend. I know because this has happened to me more than once. The last time was almost a year ago. I lost a very close friend because I didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought. Well, I only get 2 weeks vacation and therefore only 2 weeks at home. Of course my family has the right to require the most time of me. He didn’t seem to understand it and asked to end the contact. It hurt, still does. But we’ll get over it, no matter how long it takes.

    • It’s not fair that you have to lose friends. I’m sorry you went through it too. Maybe that’s the thing about any relationship, though. They’re only meant to last so long, I guess.

  4. I think this is the slippery slope part of blogging. We make great blog friends who are our real, actual friends. Something happens to us in our lives and we talk in vagueries (vagueness? whatevs) on our blog because we don’t feel we can say all the details. And then someone who reads our blog assumes it’s about them and takes it personally, takes offense, without checking the facts with us.

    I’ve decided I am no longer writing about my personal upsets with anyone. I’ve decided I will speak with that person directly to resolve and unpleasant feelings rather than announcing to the world that I am hurt.

    Because there’s too much room for misinterpretation when I broadcast it to the world without telling the person who has said or done something to me that hurt.

    And as you’re seeing firsthand, a friendship or bond with a family member is put to a very unfortunate test. 😦

    I’m not sure why, I had no idea you had this blog until I saw your tweet about this post. So, hi. 🙂

    Just because someone has said they’re all done with you doesn’t mean you can’t try again to resolve what got accidentally broken. If it doesn’t work after that then know that you are awesome, that many other people think you’re awesome, and it’s the loss of anyone who decides to cut you from their life.

    • What I said was about a 3rd party, someone I don’t even know. I only know her, the person I was talking about, and I was angry for her. I’ve never even HAD an internet fight before, so all this is new to me. You do have a point, though, and I try to never blog about something that I could handle better by being direct. Hell, I’m known for being direct.

      And hi. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.

      At this very second, I’m not sure I even want to try to patch things up. I wasn’t the one in the wrong in this situation.

      • hello when someone try to argue on the i net w/ me , my fav saying is > that dont deserve a answer ! works good on a live chat ,

  5. Awww, Honey ((hugs)) many many ((hugs)) and lots of whine! 🙂

    • Hugs back, babe. I really need a hug right now.

      • if my arms were long enough i would hug you , and you may wonder if i ever let go ! will he do it . yes ! hehehe

  6. Don’t have much to add to the great feedback you’ve gotten here, other than a quote…where is that quote? Hang on, I’ll find it…

    “Never explain yourself: Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.”

    I struggle with this, and I think it’s true but only to a point. If the relationship is important enough and damage has been done, try to make it up and hope for the best. If the relationship was somehow toxic or unproductive, maybe it’s best to just move on. I try to weigh these things when miscommunications cause a breach and bad things happen. Relationships aren’t easy…

    But trust yourself to make the right decision on this. You’ve been bitten and are shy, but you know what’s true and what these people mean to you and what your blog means to you, etc., and what repair work you need to do or not do.

    And the “golden rule” always applies: Do unto others…

    Hope everything turns out OK. ❤

    • Then apparently they’re now enemies, since they wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain myself. And that sucks donkey dick.

      I’m not sure what’s going to happen at this point.

      And I try to always do right by people. Can I get some of that good karma now? Please?

    • my saying is do unto others before they do to you !

  7. hello i read your blog , trying to reply , i try ymail . couldnt comment from here before , deweycampbell@ymail.com let me know so i can reply with a commentary , is better than a comment , ok later , cannot get sign to twit .

    • I’m a little confused… You did reply…

      • when i reply i was’nt sure it would go to your blog , ok cool chic .

  8. Wendy {{{{hugs}}}}

    I went through something like this in college. I had a close pack of friends. We did every thing together. We were all architecture students. We worked in the same studio. Toward the end of the second year the guy I was closest to decided I was too much “work.” He couldn’t “deal” with my moods.So he stopped talking to me which made it impossible with the others. I ended up leaving school. BTW we were all Platonic. That was 30 years ago and I still hide my feelings afraid to cause someone else to leave. I have lost who I am on the way. Just be who you are and let people come and go as they well. Be strong and true to your heart. The right kind of people will find you. If I lived closer I’d come and give you a day off from the kids. I wish I was stronger when I was your age. At 50 I feel stuck in my ways. Be strong. Umm…rereading sounds like a sermon. Well take what you want from this and throw the rest in the can. I won’t mind. :}

    • lol. It’s not preachy at all. It’s exactly what I needed to hear, to be honest. I can see something like this happening in your 20’s, but in your 30’s and 40’s? Time to grow the fuck up.

  9. All you can do is be true to yourself. People come into our lives for all sorts of reasons and sometimes it’s only for a short period of time, sometimes it’s forever, or sometimes it’s somewhere in between. In any case, take the good from it and hold it close and move on from the bad – you learn and grow from your experiences.

    I love you dearly. Always know that. xo

  10. not to worry , on the news twitter has been taking a hit , in a downward spiral . people bail on twitter , hard to cmplete a sentence on there , abt facebook : i just put on my page today . i deleted all my non responsive friends , always someone want to get on my page so i let them on so , they never reply to anything , seems they just want a goog place to bring their friends , like some come when dont speak english . so facebook i told them i am getin a aclu lawyer if they dont stop delete my msg;s .


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