Some General Bitching

Hi.  Remember me?  I’m the one who’s supposed to be writing around here.  I keep meaning to, but it’s been such a busy week and I still can’t really think of anything interesting to write. 

I had very high hopes for myself and my friends for this year, but so far, it’s been shitty.  Several of my friends are hurting and I can’t help them.  From miscarriages to break ups to loss and/or impending loss of loved ones.  I’ve said several times this week “I wish I could make it better for you.”  And I really do.

I’m at a loss.  I have no words to write a real post so the best I can do today is a few random, unrelated bullets.

  • I’ve gotten myself into a situation where I feel somewhat trapped.  One decision led to another and I don’t know how to get out without hurting someone I do care about.
  • I’m tired.  Tired of everything.  It seems like my life is just out of control.  Mindy suggests making to do lists and that’s a great idea but I haven’t done it yet.  Maybe I should put making a list on a list.
  • I can’t believe *blank* did that.  If I had been given that chance I never would have screwed it up so royally.  It’s stupid and hurtful.  And I kinda want to kick ass for the hurt it caused.
  • Speaking of hurt, this week has been hell, as far as pain goes.  I really need to go to the doctor and see if I do in fact have fibro.  I’m scared to be diagnosed.  It’s not like it’s curable.  Also not like it’s fatal, so no reason to be scared.
  • I’m looking for another job.  I miss my kids and the hours I’m spending away from them are killing me.  I can’t keep up with anything I need to do, like signing homework or cleaning the house because I’m just flat worn out.  This job is draining the life out of me.
  • I want to move away.  Maybe only as far as Columbia, about an hour away, but I’d much rather move to Florida.  I have family there, and I’d love to be close to my friends.  I could start out in Columbia, then venture further out when the kids are a little older, I guess.
  • I’m tired of my family being so involved in my life and constantly implying that I’m not a good enough mother.  Yesterday, when I picked up the kids from my parents’ house, my mom got on my ass because I didn’t give the kids breakfast.  I always ask the kids if they want something before we leave in the mornings.  I try to give Babble Pop-Tarts and apples and even a fucking hot dog, but he won’t eat it.  I do this every fucking day.  Diva and Blaze just tell me they don’t want anything.  Is it my fault that when they got to my mom’s they wanted to eat?  I tried to get them to at home and they wouldn’t!  I’m a damn good mother, even if the house is a mess a lot.  Even if I’m behind on laundry.  The kids always have clean clothes even if I had to get up early to make sure of it. Sure, maybe the boys need haircuts or Tess grew three inches in the last two months and her pants are a little short now.  I know I’m lacking in a lot of areas, but for the love of everything holy, back the fuck off already.
  • I can’t wait until I can file my taxes and get my refund.  I just hope I get enough to do everything I need to do.  Like buy a car.  It sucks using my mom’s.  I hate that she’s doing without and I hate that she’s held it over my head when she’s mad at me.

So.  That’s about it, I guess.  Wait, one other thing… I love my friends. (I just wanted to end it on a high note)

Published in: on January 18, 2010 at 12:00 am  Comments (7)  

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I had high hopes for this new year, too. Nothing says it won’t be a great year, but at the moment I’m not feeling it. In fact, I wouldn’t mind just skipping to 2011 to see if it’s any better.

    But I’ll quote Miss M because it seems fitting here: “You’ll be just fine, girl.”

    • I’d love to skip to 2011, too, except there’s no promise it will be better. And I don’t want to miss any more of my kids’ lives than I already am.

      Miss M sure does give a lot of good advice, as do you. Thanks for being my friend. ❤

      • well ppfffit . then face book me , dewey campbell , on there . yeah you have a job , lots of work takin care of kids n working also . yeah i been there . cos when my kids were young lil ones , my X always wanted to work , hospital – nurse . 3 to 11 . so that left me with nite stuff , and morning , breakfast n off to school , whew . it wasnt easy nor did it wear me down . just do like in subconcience . / like a robot . i didnt mind tho . take care . ok best you can ❤

  2. 😦 Wish I was there to hug you.

    • Aww! I wish you were, too! 😦

  3. i love you. that’s all. x

    • That’s a lot. I love you, too.

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