Twenty Ten, Week One

So the first week of the year is over (and then some.  Oops.) and I’ve done REALLY great with the resolutions!  Ahem.  I haven’t done anything I said I was going to do.  I did do pretty well eating lightly for lunch, but that’s about it.  Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the things I want to do?

I think that’s pretty likely.  I also think my very good friend, Karl, hit the nail on the head with his Year of Resolutions idea.  It’s too much to do everything I want at once.  Here’s the basic idea.  12 resolutions for the year, but only focus on ONE each month.  Karl says it takes 21 days to make something a habit, so theoretically, by the end of the month, it has stuck and is now a truly life changing habit.  Now I just need to decide which resolution is the most important and best to start with.  Probably the whole organizing my life thing.

Speaking of my life, things are going pretty well lately.  I’ve dropped a few more pounds, I think.  I haven’t weighed, so it’s hard to tell for sure, but I feel smaller.  I’ve noticed a few things, like the fact my collar bones are visible again.  And the curve from my waist to my hips doesn’t seem as dramatic.  Some of my clothes are a little looser, too.  I am officially a large tee-shirt now.  That’s pretty incredible considering I was a 2x this time last year.

@thefiestypage Heh. on Twitpic See? Collar bones!

There are other things going on, things that make me very happy, but I don’t want to share them just yet.  The frustrating thing about that is it’s REALLY on my mind and I just can’t think of anything else to write about.  I’ve got to get back in the habit of blogging, though, so you might just have to put up with some pretty boring shit until I do.

Oh! I could make writing one of my Year of Resolutions things.

Ugh. You know? I used to have stories to tell.  Sometimes they were funny, sometimes they weren’t, but I still had them!  Lately, I just feel like my life has no story.  Like I’m plodding along.  I feel like I’m not fully alive anymore.  Maybe its exhaustion, or just that I don’t have the fucking time to be a story.  I work so much and there’s always so much to do when I’m not working.  I’m afraid I’m missing out on my kids lives and my own.  Sort of like I’m watching a movie, but not paying attention to it.  I wonder if it’s part of the depression?

I have insurance now, so except for not having much time for it, there’s no excuse to not be in therapy.  I’m afraid they’re going to put me on a bunch of pills and while I have no problem with that, I worry that I won’t be me anymore.  All I know is I’m on edge all the fucking time, even when I’m happy.  My mood swings from exhilarated to despondent with lightning speed.  In fact?  It just happened.  I’m not despondent, just low, but a little while ago I was happy.  Is not having anything decent to write about sufficient to cause a mood swing?

I’m just going to put it all out of my mind and forget it.  Tomorrow I’ll pay more attention to life and have a story to tell.  Promise.

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Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 12:30 am  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. That’s exactly how depression makes me feel too, hon. I feel like I’m just trudging along, day in and day out, with nothing interesting or worthwhile going on.. nothing worth sharing. It feels like life is passing me by while I struggle to get myself un-stuck.

    I hope it gets better for you soon.

    Oh! and beautiful collar bones. 🙂

    • Well at least I know its not just me. 🙂 And thanks!

  2. it’s certainly nice to see you again and congrats on the weight loss!! Be healthy!

    • It’s nice to see you again, too! And thanks. Slow and healthy is the “weigh” I’m going. 😉

  3. A story is what happens to characters you care about. We care about you, or else, we wouldn’t be here.

    • Aww! Thanks! *sniffle* I’ll try to give you another uninteresting bit tonight. lol

  4. I was pretty happy with the YOR idea. Now I’m not so sure if I can keep it up. I get the depression…you know I do. The just going from hour-to-hour, day-to-day. It sucks.

    I encourage you to seek out some counseling/therapy, though. It helps. And if you don’t find the right therapist first time out, don’t be discouraged. Try again. Took me a few tries to find the right one for me my first time out.

    Haven’t had a Matrix Therapist appt in a month. I’m calling today to make an appt. Trying to do all this shit on my own is not the answer, nor is it for you, babe.

    And the meds. I get your apprehension there, too. I remember it well myself. You’ll still be you. Nothing says that antidepressants or anti-anxiety pills have to be permanent for you. I think they are for me, but I’m severely depressed…PTSD, the whole 9 yards.

    Hang in there, babe.

    • I’m tired, babe. I know you get that, too. Maybe therapy will help, surely meds would. But actually making the calls and doing it? That’s huge effort right now.

      Please do call the MT today. You’ve got a great therapist and you’ve done the hard part. You started.


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