Scent of a Woman

I start the day off with a shower (most days, anyway) and the crazy melange of smells I’m putting on my body are causing some serious nasal confusion. I’ve been using Aussie Moist Shampoo and Conditioner, and they smell really good. It’s sweet, fresh, fruity. I’d call it a grape scent, but like a real grape, not the way grape candy smells. I have used shampoos and conditioners that are the same brand and same product line, but they don’t smell the same! After I wash and condition my hair, I use my body wash. Right now, I’m using Dove Gently Exfoliating beauty bar. I like it a lot. The scent is light, but creamy. Then I shave, and I think the current scent is Strawberry Tangerine. So that’s at least three different fragrances just in eight to ten minutes.

After towelling off, it’s time for lotion. I love St. Ives Mineral Therapy for what it does for my skin and it smells alright. It’s a light fragrance, sort of fresh smelling but again with a creamy undertone. Then deodorant, Secret something or other, probably Clean or Fresh scent. That’s two more scents in five minutes, for a total of five different fragrances in about fifteen minutes.

Then there are the rest of the hair products. I use Frizz Ease Dream Curls spray, Garnier Wonder Waves mousse, and finish with Aussie something hairspray. They all have fresh or fruity scents, but they aren’t similar at all. And? The Aussie hairspray smells nothing like the Aussie shampoo and conditioner. Keeping the tally going, that’s three MORE scents in about fifteen minutes for a total of eight in thirty minutes.

Lately, I’ve fallen in love with Nautica Bermuda Blue perfume. I often skip regular perfume, but I really do like this one a lot, so I wear it pretty often. Of course, I’ve changed out of my pj’s and into my work clothes before I spritz, so there’s the smell of Mountain Clean Arm & Hammer laundry detergent, and if I remembered to use it, a dryer sheet (not a clue what brand or scent that is and I’m not getting up to check, dammit). Five more minutes of time and that’s three more scents.

People. In the forty-five minutes it takes me to get ready, I’m putting on eleven different fragrances. ELEVEN. This is ridiculous! I’m sure I could find products that are fragrance free, but I LIKE the products I use. It’s taken years to find all the right ones for me. Years, I tell you! And I look good, but what the fuck do I smell like?? I’m afraid I smell like a French whore, to tell the truth. A light, fresh, fruity French whore, but a French whore, none the less.

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 12:52 am  Comments (8)  

I’m in the Red

I shouldn’t write this post. I should just try to let it go, but this is the only way I know how to let things go. Sometimes, when I write, the thoughts flow from my brain, to my fingertips, to the keyboard. A good day is when they flow out completely, but sometimes they circulate back. My only reason for writing this is the hope to get it out. I’m not being passive-aggressive, bitchy, nor do I have any ulterior motives. At all.

I’m hurt.

I’ve never been the type of person to have a ton of friends. I know and speak to a lot of people, but it’s very rare for me to find someone that I feel I can trust completely. It became even harder after Dick left last year. I thought I knew him completely, thought we were forever, and we weren’t. It turned out that he was someone I didn’t know at all. Meeting new people after that, I’ve reminded myself over and over that people aren’t who they make out to be. I tried to be careful. I tried to surround myself virtually with people who could get me, who I could trust, who really cared about me. Most importantly, with people I could really be myself around. 

Today, one of my closest friends told me it’s time to end the friendship. I had not sensed this coming. Just the opposite, in fact. I thought we had grown closer over the last couple of months. All because I said something the other day on my blog about an ENTIRELY different friend and it was assumed I was talking about this friend and another friend. What is really upsetting to me is that neither of them asked me what I was talking about. They both assumed I was talking about them and I was not. I don’t have to explain myself, but I would have gladly done so. What I alluded to was someone’s secret and it wasn’t mine to tell. Had I been any less general in what I wrote, I would have been telling her secret.

The other thing this person mentioned was a comment I left on their blog. This friend had recently been hurt and I was concerned. I read the post that morning but didn’t have time to comment. When I went to comment that night, part of what I was going to comment about was gone. I asked if the post had been edited. Apparently I come off as having ulterior motives now. Yes, I was a little angry about the friend who hurt the other friend. About the method of causing the hurt. I’m a nurturer and a protector and I told this friend I didn’t like it. I’ve never hid how I feel about this friend, that friend, or the new situation. I tried to be there for my friend, even saying I’m sure the friend didn’t mean to cause the hurt and that I’m sure that friend was only doing what they thought was best.

I don’t understand people who don’t say how they feel. I said how I felt because that is who I am. All my life growing up, I was stifled, and that carried on to both my marriages. I can’t be that person anymore. I don’t understand how saying something someone did to you was hurtful is bad. I really just don’t get it!

I’ve been told many times to write whatever I feel because this is my space. That’s why I’m writing this now. I seriously doubt either friend will read this because I’ve been unfollowed on Twitter and unfriended on Facebook. It’s obvious to me now that these people maybe weren’t my friends in the first place, or they would have at least asked me what I was talking about. I hope that I’m not about to lose all my other friends in addition to these two. That typically happens when a friendship splits.

So much has been happening and I’m fucking tired. My emotional bank account is in the red and I really don’t know how to get it back in the black anymore.

Published in: on January 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (23)  

C’mon And Get Pissified!

Do you ever have one of those days where you’re just pissy, you know you’re pissy, and dammit, you feel righteous in your pissifiedness?  Days where you want to toss shit around and fucking DARE someone to fuck with you just so you can lay into them?  I do.  Mostly, I’m pretty nice.  Mostly, it takes a lot to really piss me off.  Mostly. 

I’ve felt it coming, this meltdown.  There’s been so much on my plate lately, then add the helpless feeling of knowing people I care about are hurting, coupled with the physical pain I’ve been “coping” with the last few days.  I knew it would happen, I just didn’t know the how’s and when’s.  I cracked today. 

The last week at work, my boss (let’s call him Jim) has been out due to surgery.  I busted my ass all week, but it felt great to be in the driver’s seat again.   Since I started working there, our numbers haven’t been all that great.  Mediocre at best, and at one point we were last place in the entire company.  I feel a sense of ownership, so having a sucky office gets to me.  Every place I’ve managed, I’ve always been in the top three, usually number one but slipping to number five on occasion.  So every time the divisional director sends out rankings and we’re in the bottom, it gets to me.  There are a lot of things I would do differently if I were the manager.  But until I am, I can only do what my boss tells me to do.  Last week, though?  I was in charge. 

The divisional director came down and was only going to observe an hour or so but wound up staying the whole day.  As he left at 7:00 that night, he told me several times how much he enjoyed the day.  Several times that day, he told me Jim needs to “piss or get off the pot” and he needs to “make up his mind and either be with the company or not.”  Things like that.  Jim does not hide the fact that he’s not happy with his job.  He took a $20K pay cut to come to this business, and it’s not what he thought it would be.  He’s been friends with the divisional director for the last nineteen years, and now he feels like he was lied to.  In reality, he came from being a general manager of a large rent to own company to a branch manager.  He can’t seem to grasp the difference in the two, though.  He still manages our little office-  It’s a small loan company.  Did I tell you that?  It’s all about renewing loans once they get a couple payments in and collections on accounts that are past due.  Anyway, he doesn’t get it that it’s an entirely different field.  I was in this type of business for several years and I get it.  It was hard when the divisional director was talking negatively about Jim because I do like him.  It was uncomfortable, you know?  I stood up for him some, but other times I just kept my mouth shut.  Didn’t agree or disagree because arguing with the divisional director too much is not the smartest thing.  And did I tell Jim all these things he said about him?  No.  I just told him things went smoothly because to say anything else would have hurt his feelings.

I’m not going to lie.  I DO hope Jim leaves the company soon.  He has an offer on the table from another rent to own company RIGHT NOW for $20K more a year.  And he doesn’t want to be at this company!  I have to listen to it every fucking day.  It’s hard to be around someone who is so negative all the time.  It makes me not like the company either, when in reality, I’m pretty sure most of the problems I have are not with the company but with Jim’s management.  I told the divisional director the other day that I need to have a job where I’m the manager.  That if it doesn’t happen shortly I’ll have to consider other options.  He told me if a position opens, I’m definitely a candidate and that he prefers to promote from within.  I feel like I have a shot, at least.

Oh.  I had a point and totally rambled away from it.  Back on track now.  Sorry.

I knew it would be difficult when Jim returned to work and I had to step back down.  I prepared myself for it.  But I didn’t expect him to be a dick about the whole situation.  Was he grateful that I took the store from eighth in the rankings to FOUR?? No.  He said we were already on the way back up when he went out.  That’s bullshit, but I kept my mouth shut.  When a customer was across the room asking me questions about taxes (which he knows NOTHING about, btw) and he literally placed himself between the customer and me so he could repeat what I had just said?  I said nothing.  And as the day progressed and he acted like I’m an idiot over this or that or the other?  I bit my tongue because for now that’s my fucking job.  But then at 7:00 tonight when he started in again about how the company is so stupid and he’s the smartest person in the company and he knows how to do it better than the divisional director and everyone else and he should just give his notice?

I snapped a little.  I told him I wish he would just go ahead and quit because he’s obviously not happy.  Of course, he got offended and it wasn’t because I was basically telling him I don’t want to work with him anymore.  He started getting on to me because he thinks I’m trying to push him out so I can have his job.  Told me there’s no way they would give me the store if he left and they’re just blowing smoke up my ass.  Basically told me I’m not good enough to manage the place.  And yeah, I snapped some more.  Because, HELLO????  I ran it better the week he was out than he has the ENTIRE TIME I’VE BEEN THERE.  And?  If I wanted to push him out?  Oh I could have his job in a fucking heart beat.  I know so many things it would make the divisional director’s head spin!  But did I even hint at anything when he was there?  No.  I stood up for the asshole.  I’m doing everything I can to KEEP his job for him.  I didn’t tell him all that, but I did lay into him.  And if felt good! 

He told me at one point I need to think about things I say because that’s how I always piss people off.  Like I’ve never heard that one before.  I told him some people love me for speaking my mind, and I spent way too many years not being able to say what I felt to start doing that shit again now so either love it or leave it, the choice was his.  He started to calm down again after that and tried to be all nice again.  But you know?  I’m so done with him.  Either he goes or I go.  Doesn’t matter to me, I just hope it happens soon.

Published in: on January 19, 2010 at 1:12 am  Comments (6)  

Some General Bitching

Hi.  Remember me?  I’m the one who’s supposed to be writing around here.  I keep meaning to, but it’s been such a busy week and I still can’t really think of anything interesting to write. 

I had very high hopes for myself and my friends for this year, but so far, it’s been shitty.  Several of my friends are hurting and I can’t help them.  From miscarriages to break ups to loss and/or impending loss of loved ones.  I’ve said several times this week “I wish I could make it better for you.”  And I really do.

I’m at a loss.  I have no words to write a real post so the best I can do today is a few random, unrelated bullets.

  • I’ve gotten myself into a situation where I feel somewhat trapped.  One decision led to another and I don’t know how to get out without hurting someone I do care about.
  • I’m tired.  Tired of everything.  It seems like my life is just out of control.  Mindy suggests making to do lists and that’s a great idea but I haven’t done it yet.  Maybe I should put making a list on a list.
  • I can’t believe *blank* did that.  If I had been given that chance I never would have screwed it up so royally.  It’s stupid and hurtful.  And I kinda want to kick ass for the hurt it caused.
  • Speaking of hurt, this week has been hell, as far as pain goes.  I really need to go to the doctor and see if I do in fact have fibro.  I’m scared to be diagnosed.  It’s not like it’s curable.  Also not like it’s fatal, so no reason to be scared.
  • I’m looking for another job.  I miss my kids and the hours I’m spending away from them are killing me.  I can’t keep up with anything I need to do, like signing homework or cleaning the house because I’m just flat worn out.  This job is draining the life out of me.
  • I want to move away.  Maybe only as far as Columbia, about an hour away, but I’d much rather move to Florida.  I have family there, and I’d love to be close to my friends.  I could start out in Columbia, then venture further out when the kids are a little older, I guess.
  • I’m tired of my family being so involved in my life and constantly implying that I’m not a good enough mother.  Yesterday, when I picked up the kids from my parents’ house, my mom got on my ass because I didn’t give the kids breakfast.  I always ask the kids if they want something before we leave in the mornings.  I try to give Babble Pop-Tarts and apples and even a fucking hot dog, but he won’t eat it.  I do this every fucking day.  Diva and Blaze just tell me they don’t want anything.  Is it my fault that when they got to my mom’s they wanted to eat?  I tried to get them to at home and they wouldn’t!  I’m a damn good mother, even if the house is a mess a lot.  Even if I’m behind on laundry.  The kids always have clean clothes even if I had to get up early to make sure of it. Sure, maybe the boys need haircuts or Tess grew three inches in the last two months and her pants are a little short now.  I know I’m lacking in a lot of areas, but for the love of everything holy, back the fuck off already.
  • I can’t wait until I can file my taxes and get my refund.  I just hope I get enough to do everything I need to do.  Like buy a car.  It sucks using my mom’s.  I hate that she’s doing without and I hate that she’s held it over my head when she’s mad at me.

So.  That’s about it, I guess.  Wait, one other thing… I love my friends. (I just wanted to end it on a high note)

Published in: on January 18, 2010 at 12:00 am  Comments (7)  

Twenty Ten, Week One

So the first week of the year is over (and then some.  Oops.) and I’ve done REALLY great with the resolutions!  Ahem.  I haven’t done anything I said I was going to do.  I did do pretty well eating lightly for lunch, but that’s about it.  Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the things I want to do?

I think that’s pretty likely.  I also think my very good friend, Karl, hit the nail on the head with his Year of Resolutions idea.  It’s too much to do everything I want at once.  Here’s the basic idea.  12 resolutions for the year, but only focus on ONE each month.  Karl says it takes 21 days to make something a habit, so theoretically, by the end of the month, it has stuck and is now a truly life changing habit.  Now I just need to decide which resolution is the most important and best to start with.  Probably the whole organizing my life thing.

Speaking of my life, things are going pretty well lately.  I’ve dropped a few more pounds, I think.  I haven’t weighed, so it’s hard to tell for sure, but I feel smaller.  I’ve noticed a few things, like the fact my collar bones are visible again.  And the curve from my waist to my hips doesn’t seem as dramatic.  Some of my clothes are a little looser, too.  I am officially a large tee-shirt now.  That’s pretty incredible considering I was a 2x this time last year.

@thefiestypage Heh. on Twitpic See? Collar bones!

There are other things going on, things that make me very happy, but I don’t want to share them just yet.  The frustrating thing about that is it’s REALLY on my mind and I just can’t think of anything else to write about.  I’ve got to get back in the habit of blogging, though, so you might just have to put up with some pretty boring shit until I do.

Oh! I could make writing one of my Year of Resolutions things.

Ugh. You know? I used to have stories to tell.  Sometimes they were funny, sometimes they weren’t, but I still had them!  Lately, I just feel like my life has no story.  Like I’m plodding along.  I feel like I’m not fully alive anymore.  Maybe its exhaustion, or just that I don’t have the fucking time to be a story.  I work so much and there’s always so much to do when I’m not working.  I’m afraid I’m missing out on my kids lives and my own.  Sort of like I’m watching a movie, but not paying attention to it.  I wonder if it’s part of the depression?

I have insurance now, so except for not having much time for it, there’s no excuse to not be in therapy.  I’m afraid they’re going to put me on a bunch of pills and while I have no problem with that, I worry that I won’t be me anymore.  All I know is I’m on edge all the fucking time, even when I’m happy.  My mood swings from exhilarated to despondent with lightning speed.  In fact?  It just happened.  I’m not despondent, just low, but a little while ago I was happy.  Is not having anything decent to write about sufficient to cause a mood swing?

I’m just going to put it all out of my mind and forget it.  Tomorrow I’ll pay more attention to life and have a story to tell.  Promise.

Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 12:30 am  Comments (8)  

A Whole New Year

Generally speaking, the first day of a new year, and in this case, a new decade, doesn’t bring a sudden realization of the changes coming.  A little while ago, I was stuck by this very thing.  You see, I’ve been a mother of a small child for the last seven and a half years.  As soon as the first got out of babyhood and was in that grey area between toddler and big kid, I had another.  And repeat.  The littlest, the third, is now getting to that age when my body starts thinking another baby would be a good idea.  Thank God I had the forethought to get a tubal last time, so there will be no more baby making in this uterus.  But?  What now?  Some days, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day they’ll be bigger and won’t need me to do every fucking thing for them.  My kids wear me out.  And I know I’ll miss these days.  I’ll miss it when they won’t talk to me in sentences longer than three words.  I’ll miss it when they’d rather be with their friends than me.  The last seven point five years have been hard but so rewarding.  And I sort of thought it would always be this way.

But today I have been stricken and I sort of don’t know what to do with myself.

I was up way too late last night celebrating the new year (alone physically but connecting with my nearest and dearest friends on the phone) and when the kids woke up at eight o’clock this morning I thought I was going to die.  When I remembered I had forgotten yet again to pick up coffee I was sure of it.  I guzzled a Diet Pepsi and rooted around for a few Advil when I remembered I had forgotten to pick that up too.  So I turned on the brain torturing cartoons and set my alarm on my phone for 15 minutes.  That was all I needed, just a teensy tiny little power nap while I waited for the meager amounts of caffeine in the soda to reach my brain. 

I woke up three hours later, cell phone in hand, alarm missed and 14 texts unread.  Oh my God!  What had the kids been doing?!  I ran out to the living room and there they were, bowls of cereal at hand, mesmerized by the TV.  The oldest had fixed them all breakfast and was taking care of them and making sure they didn’t wake me up.  I’m still a little shaken by the whole episode.  Then a little while later, I took them to McDonald’s for lunch.  When we got back, not only did the oldest want to go check the mail, he came back to the car and got his sister so she could go with him.  I watched as they neared the street and they stopped and looked both ways, then held hands to cross the street.  I was shocked and proud. 

We came back inside and the littlest sat at the table without a high chair or booster to eat his Happy Meal and Noah sent his grandfather a text all by himself.  That was when I saw how things are changing.  How, exactly, am I supposed to handle this shit?!

Oh and by the way, you’re right about keeping our names out of the blog entirely.  So I’ll rename them, but I can’t think of anything really cool.  Wanna help?  And should I rename myself or can I still be me?

Published in: on January 1, 2010 at 8:09 pm  Comments (13)  
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