Dear Thomas

I want to thank you, Thomas, for everything you’ve done for me recently. I know that’s shocking, considering all the fucking hell you’ve put me through. The way you treated me while we were married was bad enough, but all the shitty things you’ve done since you left make the old you look like a saint. Seriously, though, I have a lot to thank you for.

Thank you for beating me down with your snide little comments and dismissive attitude all those years. You made me feel like I was less than you. At first I fought it tooth and nail because I knew better, but eventually, especially when I got pregnant the third time and gained ALL that weight, I really started to believe you.

Thank you for making me think no one else would ever love me and that I HAD to put up with you. I mean, who else would want a fat mom to three kids, right? And speaking of the kids, thank you for trying your best to keep me barefoot and pregnant. I wouldn’t have all three of my incredible, awesome, totally AMAZING kids without your help.

Thank you for not being there for the kids after you left. Thank you for not getting them on the weekends you’re supposed to get them and for not paying the child support the way you know you should. True, you paid it some, and you’re absolutely right, you don’t have to pay a dime until there’s a court order.

Thank you for making me cry, and struggle, and wonder how in the world am I going to pull this off. Thanks for your all around dickheadedness, these past eleven and a half months in particular. Oh, and thanks for not only cheating on me with the little girl you left me for, but for the several times you slept with girls working for you. Yeah, I found out about it, and it doesn’t even upset me except for the fact you could have given me an STD.

If it had not been for you and the way you treated me then and now, I wouldn’t have found myself again. I’d still be that weak woman you turned me into. I grew stronger with your leaving, but if I had not had to put up with so much crap from you since, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And you know the most amazing thing? For the first time in my life, I actually love who I am. I have a lot of short-comings, sure. We all do. But I’m okay with that now. I’ve learned perfection is unattainable. I’m happy with my curvy body and satisfied with my life. I do still want to lose more weight, but it doesn’t control every thought now. Hell, I’ve lost about eighty pounds since Tripp was born, and if I never lose another, I’m happy with that.

I never would have grown so close to my kids if you had still been around. I remember how you wouldn’t let them talk to me when you were home. Noah in particular. Now my kids know they can always talk to me, no matter what. I’m 100% in love with them, and they are with me. And they’re good kids. I’ve been doing well with them. They’re happy now, and that’s a hell of a lot more than I can say about when you were here.

I speak my mind now, and I think people even like that about me. I still try to use tact, but I never try to be someone I’m not based on who I’m around. I wouldn’t have learned to do that if it hadn’t been for the last eleven and a half months.

If you hadn’t been so completely awful to me, I wouldn’t know what a good man is. If your love hadn’t been so conditional, I wouldn’t know what unconditional love is. You were wrong, Thomas. There is a man who will love me. He loves me exactly the way I am. He even loves my stretch marks and kangaroo pouch. He loves my love of food, and matches it. He loves my mind, my body, my spirit. He doesn’t care that I’m not perfect, because I’m perfect for him and he’s perfect for me. And soon, he’ll love my children. Yes, he’s happy that I have kids, because he’s always wanted to be a dad.

So, you see, Thomas, I have a lot to be thankful to you for. You can’t control me anymore. Can’t intimidate me. Can’t anything at all. You’ve even tried to control me since you left by withholding the child support and refusing to get the kids. Funny thing is, it doesn’t bother me any more. You’re nothing to me and that’s the best feeling in the world. Well, you know, besides loving myself and my kids and my man. Thanks for giving me happiness, even though you were trying to torture me. I’m so incredibly happy now!

Advertisements
Published in: on April 25, 2010 at 4:36 pm  Comments (13)  

If You Don’t Have Anything Good to Say

Don’t say anything at all.

That’s where I’ve been, lately. Things are not going very well and I’ve been too worn out to try to write, and even if I hadn’t been, all I would be able to do is complain. So I’ve stayed away.

I’m really battling the depression lately. Only it’s gotten to be more than that. I feel like I’m about to crack. Actually, more like I’ve already cracked and I’m just trying to hold the pieces together with scotch tape and bubble gum. The pressure is so great that I know it won’t last. Every day I lose another piece, but I’m fucking trying.

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to drop them. My mental strength is flagging and I’m just so tired. I can’t though, as badly as I want to. I’ve got to keep it together because, who would keep the kids while I get a little brain break? So I’ll keep going.

There are a LOT of things bothering me, but also one or two good things (besides my children being healthy and happy, of course). I have great friends who are there for me and care about me as much as I care about them. It’s so helpful to know people are pulling for me.

I changed my name on Facebook back to my maiden name and I’ve reconnected with a couple of highschool friends. That’s amazing. What’s more amazing is that I still like them. A new friendship is blossoming from an old one, and there’s no telling where it might lead.

I have a job. I hate some aspects of my job, but there’s potential in the near future (so they say) for me to have a branch of my own. That would alleviate a lot of the stress I have from work right now. I still have a job, even though I cussed out my boss yesterday. So I’m very lucky for that.

I’ve come to a decision about something I’ve been waffling over. I don’t know exactly how to put it in motion, but at least I’ve decided.

My divorce is closer to being final. I still don’t have a court date, but it’s bound to be closer.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. At least I think I did. I definitely made an appointment, but now I’m not sure if it was a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I’m really hoping for the former. I need meds. I need them now. I only need to keep it together until March 9.

Until then, I keep on keeping on. Faking it til I’m making it. All that shit. And focusing on the things that make me happy.

Published in: on February 24, 2010 at 11:23 pm  Comments (8)  
Tags: , , ,

A Letter to Today

Dear Today,

Generally speaking, I’m pretty easy going. It takes a lot to get me to the point of throwing in the towel and you have actually managed to get me there. I am so over you, Today. You kicked my ass and I’m done with you. You started it this morning when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I mean that literally. I leave my cell on the night stand on the right side of the bed, and I sleep on the left side so I can’t just reach out and slap the phone when the alarm goes off. But, Today, tell me exactly how it could happen that I woke an hour late with my hand still ON the phone, when I wasn’t even supposed to be close to it. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed just started us off wrong, and I was willing to overlook it. Oh, but you weren’t done with me, Today.

When I woke the kids up, Diva woke up with that name-sake attitude she gets sometimes. I’m sure you had something to do with that. That alone was bad enough, but when I realized the only clean clothes I had for her were a pair of pants that were too big in the waist and a little too short in the legs and a sweatshirt with nail polish on it, it was even worse. Have you been plotting against me with that bitch, Yesterday?? How could you? I wanted our relationship to work, and I tried so hard to make it happen. You just wouldn’t cooperate, Today! I finally managed to get the kids dressed and loaded up, and just when I got far enough from home that I couldn’t turn back, I remembered that I had forgotten my make-up. That was a precursor to all the things I remembered I had forgotten, Today. I dropped the kids off at their proper places and sped on to work. When I got there, I went to Food Lion to buy replacement foundation. Luckily, I had eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara in my purse. And do you know why? Because of all the other Days I’ve dealt with in my past. Naturally, Food Lion didn’t have the mineral make-up I like, so I bought a cream-to-powder kind. I dashed back to the office, ripped it out of the package, and started smearing the goo on with the provided sponge. By the time I was done, I looked like a vampire. Holding the product to my inner wrist, the color matched almost perfectly, but not on my face. I had to endure it for an hour while I waited for CVS to open. Again, I’ve learned from ex-Days, and knew from experience that I could find what I was looking for there. Today, I spent $25.oo on make-up I didn’t even need, and it’s all your fault.

You couldn’t even keep the temperatures right, Today! When Blaze went into school this morning, he forgot his jacket in the car. I wasn’t too worried about it because it was sunny, warmish, and I had dressed him in long sleeved layers this morning. Then, the clouds rolled in and the temp dropped. I went ahead and took an early lunch at 10:00 and brought his jacket to him at school. I got back to the office at 10:40 and had yet to get started on my actual work. I wasted two hours, Today, and I was beginning to feel like you were trying to fuck with me. I couldn’t let you get the best of me, so I squared my shoulders and started on my call list. How many times was I hung up on, Today?? And was that enough to satisfy your sadistic sense of humor? No. You just had to keep going, you sick son of a bitch.

At 1:00, I got a call from the kids’ school. When my CSR told me it was the school calling it really scared me! The school has never called me! It was Diva’s teacher, saying she had had an accident. In the split second between sentences, images of my child bloodied and hurt flashed through my frazzled brain before I made the connection that “accident” meant she wet herself. Today, I had to clock out TWO times and go to the school TWO times.

When I got back to the office, it was one thing after another. You really didn’t let up! I counted down the minutes until I could leave, Today, and that’s not how I roll. In fact, your entire attitude Today is not how I roll! I’ve spent the last few hours ignoring you. Pretending you don’t exist. And yet you’re still here and it’s ALL about Today. I’m done with you. I want Today out of my life. I don’t want to ever see you or hear from you again. You’re over.

And I? I am moving on to greener pastures. Tomorrow is calling.

Published in: on February 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm  Comments (4)  

Spin Me Right Round, Baby

It’s about 1:30 in the morning right now, and I’m still not sleeping. Have you ever been just too tired to go to bed? Too tired to do anything at all? That has been me since November. I’m just flat worn out, beyond that even. I’ve heard before of movie stars or rock stars being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion and I would scoff at their weakness. I mean, NOBODY gets so tired they have to go to the hospital. These are just pampered wimps who can’t deal. Right? One of these days, I’ll learn to keep opinions to myself because it seems like I always wind up eating my words.

We all know how hard it is to be a parent, whether you’re a mom or a dad, working in the home or outside the home. It’s the hardest job there is! I never doubted that for a second, but when I became a single mother to three children, with the oldest being only seven, I knew I was in for it. I was keenly aware there would be sacrifices, and while I can’t really say I was up for it, I steeled my nerves, avoided my problems, and chugged along. I was nervous to go back to work after three years home with the kids, but I knew I could do it. And I got a job that I love (at times) but it, too, came with more downsides than I realized. The hours I work are gruesome. Every week is at least 45, often 50, and sometimes even more. My job is certainly not physically demanding, but I work my ass off every day. Working in collections is very stressfull, and it takes a certain person to be able to do it. I’m good at it, and even enjoy it for the most part. And in case you’re wondering, my conscious feels good about it, too. I treat my customers with respect and friendly professionalism.

It all has gotten to be too much, though. Last week, Monday or Tuesday, I can’t remember now, I didn’t sleep well the night before. I got a total of maybe four hours of sleep, and it was broken by bad dreams. It must have been Monday night that I didn’t sleep well. I think. The day doesn’t really matter, I guess. We’ll just say it was so I can stop worrying about it and move on.

Anyway.

Tuesday morning at work I didn’t feel well, but as usual, I ignored it and kept working. By noon, I started getting dizzy. I thought my blood sugar was low, even though I had eaten half a Slim Fast bar for breakfast. I popped a glucose tablet in my mouth and kept working. I was still dizzy fifteen minutes later, so I popped another one. And another in fifteen more minutes. My head felt strange. Disconnected, like I was watching an uninteresting movie through a tunnel. I couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t think at all really. I was still really dizzy, so I told the boss I needed to go get lunch right then, and went across the street to Taco Bell. It was strange, I didn’t feel hungry at all, and I didn’t have the shakes or cold sweat that usually comes with my sugar being low. I brought my food back to the office, worried about wrecking the whole time because I was so dizzy it was hard to drive.

I ate a little in the breakroom, unable to force myself to eat more than a taco and a half. The dizziness still did not leave. I realized it couldn’t have been low blood sugar, but I didn’t know what it could be. Friends on Twitter and Facebook suggested I drink some water, that maybe I was dehydrated. I tried that and still didn’t feel any better. In fact, I began to feel worse. I went back to my desk and told the boss how awful I was feeling. He was concerned, but I brushed him off, saying I would be fine. I tried to focus on my work and couldn’t. It was a strange feeling, like I was spinning round and round. I thought several times that I was going to faint, and had to grab onto the desk to keep myself from falling.

By 4:00, my boss was freaking a little. He insisted on closing the branch and taking me to the hospital. I had held him off for over an hour, but I continued to feel bad, the tunnel vision was getting worse, and the dizziness was almost non-stop. Had the hospital been further away, I still would not have allowed him to take me. So he got me to the emergency room, held my hand while he walked me in to keep me from falling. I shooed him back to the office, and went into Triage. They got me back pretty quickly, considering the number of people waiting. I only waited about fifteen minutes before they got me in the back.

The nurse came in and asked some questions, then the doctor came in and asked the same questions again. Three hours and a cat-nap later, and I was diagnosed with exhaustion and excessive stress. And I feel like an idiot for going to the ER because I was tired.

I’ve tried to take it a little more easy this week, but it’s hard. I didn’t clean at night, and the house was a disaster, which made me feel worse about everything. I was able to rest a little today, though, and got a little cleaning done. I just need to get through this next six day work week, then I’ll be fine. We’ll be back to five days a week again, for the most part. Then I can work on getting rid of some stress.

Published in: on February 8, 2010 at 2:17 am  Comments (11)  

Hey You

Sometimes a song will run through the  back of my mind nearly constantly. I realize sometimes this is because certain songs resonate with my current feelings. Got a hell of a lot going on right now, including a trip to the ER (I’m fine. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow). And through it all, I hear this inside me head.

Hey You- Pink Floyd

Hey you! Out there in the cold

Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?

Hey you! Standing in the aisles

With itchy feet and fading smiles, can you feel me?

Hey you! Don’t help them to bury the live

Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you! Out there on your own

Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?

Hey you! With your ear against the wall

Waiting for someone to call out would you touch me?

Hey you! Would you help me to carry the stone

Open your heart. I’m coming home.

But it was only a fantasy

The wall was too high, as you can see

No matter how he tried, he could not break free

And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you! Out there on the road

Always doing what you’re told, can you help me?

Hey you! Out there beyond the wall

Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?

Hey you! Don’t tell me there’s no hope at all

Together we stand, divided we fall.

Published in: on February 3, 2010 at 11:54 pm  Comments (2)  

Scent of a Woman

I start the day off with a shower (most days, anyway) and the crazy melange of smells I’m putting on my body are causing some serious nasal confusion. I’ve been using Aussie Moist Shampoo and Conditioner, and they smell really good. It’s sweet, fresh, fruity. I’d call it a grape scent, but like a real grape, not the way grape candy smells. I have used shampoos and conditioners that are the same brand and same product line, but they don’t smell the same! After I wash and condition my hair, I use my body wash. Right now, I’m using Dove Gently Exfoliating beauty bar. I like it a lot. The scent is light, but creamy. Then I shave, and I think the current scent is Strawberry Tangerine. So that’s at least three different fragrances just in eight to ten minutes.

After towelling off, it’s time for lotion. I love St. Ives Mineral Therapy for what it does for my skin and it smells alright. It’s a light fragrance, sort of fresh smelling but again with a creamy undertone. Then deodorant, Secret something or other, probably Clean or Fresh scent. That’s two more scents in five minutes, for a total of five different fragrances in about fifteen minutes.

Then there are the rest of the hair products. I use Frizz Ease Dream Curls spray, Garnier Wonder Waves mousse, and finish with Aussie something hairspray. They all have fresh or fruity scents, but they aren’t similar at all. And? The Aussie hairspray smells nothing like the Aussie shampoo and conditioner. Keeping the tally going, that’s three MORE scents in about fifteen minutes for a total of eight in thirty minutes.

Lately, I’ve fallen in love with Nautica Bermuda Blue perfume. I often skip regular perfume, but I really do like this one a lot, so I wear it pretty often. Of course, I’ve changed out of my pj’s and into my work clothes before I spritz, so there’s the smell of Mountain Clean Arm & Hammer laundry detergent, and if I remembered to use it, a dryer sheet (not a clue what brand or scent that is and I’m not getting up to check, dammit). Five more minutes of time and that’s three more scents.

People. In the forty-five minutes it takes me to get ready, I’m putting on eleven different fragrances. ELEVEN. This is ridiculous! I’m sure I could find products that are fragrance free, but I LIKE the products I use. It’s taken years to find all the right ones for me. Years, I tell you! And I look good, but what the fuck do I smell like?? I’m afraid I smell like a French whore, to tell the truth. A light, fresh, fruity French whore, but a French whore, none the less.

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 12:52 am  Comments (8)  

I’m in the Red

I shouldn’t write this post. I should just try to let it go, but this is the only way I know how to let things go. Sometimes, when I write, the thoughts flow from my brain, to my fingertips, to the keyboard. A good day is when they flow out completely, but sometimes they circulate back. My only reason for writing this is the hope to get it out. I’m not being passive-aggressive, bitchy, nor do I have any ulterior motives. At all.

I’m hurt.

I’ve never been the type of person to have a ton of friends. I know and speak to a lot of people, but it’s very rare for me to find someone that I feel I can trust completely. It became even harder after Dick left last year. I thought I knew him completely, thought we were forever, and we weren’t. It turned out that he was someone I didn’t know at all. Meeting new people after that, I’ve reminded myself over and over that people aren’t who they make out to be. I tried to be careful. I tried to surround myself virtually with people who could get me, who I could trust, who really cared about me. Most importantly, with people I could really be myself around. 

Today, one of my closest friends told me it’s time to end the friendship. I had not sensed this coming. Just the opposite, in fact. I thought we had grown closer over the last couple of months. All because I said something the other day on my blog about an ENTIRELY different friend and it was assumed I was talking about this friend and another friend. What is really upsetting to me is that neither of them asked me what I was talking about. They both assumed I was talking about them and I was not. I don’t have to explain myself, but I would have gladly done so. What I alluded to was someone’s secret and it wasn’t mine to tell. Had I been any less general in what I wrote, I would have been telling her secret.

The other thing this person mentioned was a comment I left on their blog. This friend had recently been hurt and I was concerned. I read the post that morning but didn’t have time to comment. When I went to comment that night, part of what I was going to comment about was gone. I asked if the post had been edited. Apparently I come off as having ulterior motives now. Yes, I was a little angry about the friend who hurt the other friend. About the method of causing the hurt. I’m a nurturer and a protector and I told this friend I didn’t like it. I’ve never hid how I feel about this friend, that friend, or the new situation. I tried to be there for my friend, even saying I’m sure the friend didn’t mean to cause the hurt and that I’m sure that friend was only doing what they thought was best.

I don’t understand people who don’t say how they feel. I said how I felt because that is who I am. All my life growing up, I was stifled, and that carried on to both my marriages. I can’t be that person anymore. I don’t understand how saying something someone did to you was hurtful is bad. I really just don’t get it!

I’ve been told many times to write whatever I feel because this is my space. That’s why I’m writing this now. I seriously doubt either friend will read this because I’ve been unfollowed on Twitter and unfriended on Facebook. It’s obvious to me now that these people maybe weren’t my friends in the first place, or they would have at least asked me what I was talking about. I hope that I’m not about to lose all my other friends in addition to these two. That typically happens when a friendship splits.

So much has been happening and I’m fucking tired. My emotional bank account is in the red and I really don’t know how to get it back in the black anymore.

Published in: on January 23, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (23)  

C’mon And Get Pissified!

Do you ever have one of those days where you’re just pissy, you know you’re pissy, and dammit, you feel righteous in your pissifiedness?  Days where you want to toss shit around and fucking DARE someone to fuck with you just so you can lay into them?  I do.  Mostly, I’m pretty nice.  Mostly, it takes a lot to really piss me off.  Mostly. 

I’ve felt it coming, this meltdown.  There’s been so much on my plate lately, then add the helpless feeling of knowing people I care about are hurting, coupled with the physical pain I’ve been “coping” with the last few days.  I knew it would happen, I just didn’t know the how’s and when’s.  I cracked today. 

The last week at work, my boss (let’s call him Jim) has been out due to surgery.  I busted my ass all week, but it felt great to be in the driver’s seat again.   Since I started working there, our numbers haven’t been all that great.  Mediocre at best, and at one point we were last place in the entire company.  I feel a sense of ownership, so having a sucky office gets to me.  Every place I’ve managed, I’ve always been in the top three, usually number one but slipping to number five on occasion.  So every time the divisional director sends out rankings and we’re in the bottom, it gets to me.  There are a lot of things I would do differently if I were the manager.  But until I am, I can only do what my boss tells me to do.  Last week, though?  I was in charge. 

The divisional director came down and was only going to observe an hour or so but wound up staying the whole day.  As he left at 7:00 that night, he told me several times how much he enjoyed the day.  Several times that day, he told me Jim needs to “piss or get off the pot” and he needs to “make up his mind and either be with the company or not.”  Things like that.  Jim does not hide the fact that he’s not happy with his job.  He took a $20K pay cut to come to this business, and it’s not what he thought it would be.  He’s been friends with the divisional director for the last nineteen years, and now he feels like he was lied to.  In reality, he came from being a general manager of a large rent to own company to a branch manager.  He can’t seem to grasp the difference in the two, though.  He still manages our little office-  It’s a small loan company.  Did I tell you that?  It’s all about renewing loans once they get a couple payments in and collections on accounts that are past due.  Anyway, he doesn’t get it that it’s an entirely different field.  I was in this type of business for several years and I get it.  It was hard when the divisional director was talking negatively about Jim because I do like him.  It was uncomfortable, you know?  I stood up for him some, but other times I just kept my mouth shut.  Didn’t agree or disagree because arguing with the divisional director too much is not the smartest thing.  And did I tell Jim all these things he said about him?  No.  I just told him things went smoothly because to say anything else would have hurt his feelings.

I’m not going to lie.  I DO hope Jim leaves the company soon.  He has an offer on the table from another rent to own company RIGHT NOW for $20K more a year.  And he doesn’t want to be at this company!  I have to listen to it every fucking day.  It’s hard to be around someone who is so negative all the time.  It makes me not like the company either, when in reality, I’m pretty sure most of the problems I have are not with the company but with Jim’s management.  I told the divisional director the other day that I need to have a job where I’m the manager.  That if it doesn’t happen shortly I’ll have to consider other options.  He told me if a position opens, I’m definitely a candidate and that he prefers to promote from within.  I feel like I have a shot, at least.

Oh.  I had a point and totally rambled away from it.  Back on track now.  Sorry.

I knew it would be difficult when Jim returned to work and I had to step back down.  I prepared myself for it.  But I didn’t expect him to be a dick about the whole situation.  Was he grateful that I took the store from eighth in the rankings to FOUR?? No.  He said we were already on the way back up when he went out.  That’s bullshit, but I kept my mouth shut.  When a customer was across the room asking me questions about taxes (which he knows NOTHING about, btw) and he literally placed himself between the customer and me so he could repeat what I had just said?  I said nothing.  And as the day progressed and he acted like I’m an idiot over this or that or the other?  I bit my tongue because for now that’s my fucking job.  But then at 7:00 tonight when he started in again about how the company is so stupid and he’s the smartest person in the company and he knows how to do it better than the divisional director and everyone else and he should just give his notice?

I snapped a little.  I told him I wish he would just go ahead and quit because he’s obviously not happy.  Of course, he got offended and it wasn’t because I was basically telling him I don’t want to work with him anymore.  He started getting on to me because he thinks I’m trying to push him out so I can have his job.  Told me there’s no way they would give me the store if he left and they’re just blowing smoke up my ass.  Basically told me I’m not good enough to manage the place.  And yeah, I snapped some more.  Because, HELLO????  I ran it better the week he was out than he has the ENTIRE TIME I’VE BEEN THERE.  And?  If I wanted to push him out?  Oh I could have his job in a fucking heart beat.  I know so many things it would make the divisional director’s head spin!  But did I even hint at anything when he was there?  No.  I stood up for the asshole.  I’m doing everything I can to KEEP his job for him.  I didn’t tell him all that, but I did lay into him.  And if felt good! 

He told me at one point I need to think about things I say because that’s how I always piss people off.  Like I’ve never heard that one before.  I told him some people love me for speaking my mind, and I spent way too many years not being able to say what I felt to start doing that shit again now so either love it or leave it, the choice was his.  He started to calm down again after that and tried to be all nice again.  But you know?  I’m so done with him.  Either he goes or I go.  Doesn’t matter to me, I just hope it happens soon.

Published in: on January 19, 2010 at 1:12 am  Comments (6)  

Some General Bitching

Hi.  Remember me?  I’m the one who’s supposed to be writing around here.  I keep meaning to, but it’s been such a busy week and I still can’t really think of anything interesting to write. 

I had very high hopes for myself and my friends for this year, but so far, it’s been shitty.  Several of my friends are hurting and I can’t help them.  From miscarriages to break ups to loss and/or impending loss of loved ones.  I’ve said several times this week “I wish I could make it better for you.”  And I really do.

I’m at a loss.  I have no words to write a real post so the best I can do today is a few random, unrelated bullets.

  • I’ve gotten myself into a situation where I feel somewhat trapped.  One decision led to another and I don’t know how to get out without hurting someone I do care about.
  • I’m tired.  Tired of everything.  It seems like my life is just out of control.  Mindy suggests making to do lists and that’s a great idea but I haven’t done it yet.  Maybe I should put making a list on a list.
  • I can’t believe *blank* did that.  If I had been given that chance I never would have screwed it up so royally.  It’s stupid and hurtful.  And I kinda want to kick ass for the hurt it caused.
  • Speaking of hurt, this week has been hell, as far as pain goes.  I really need to go to the doctor and see if I do in fact have fibro.  I’m scared to be diagnosed.  It’s not like it’s curable.  Also not like it’s fatal, so no reason to be scared.
  • I’m looking for another job.  I miss my kids and the hours I’m spending away from them are killing me.  I can’t keep up with anything I need to do, like signing homework or cleaning the house because I’m just flat worn out.  This job is draining the life out of me.
  • I want to move away.  Maybe only as far as Columbia, about an hour away, but I’d much rather move to Florida.  I have family there, and I’d love to be close to my friends.  I could start out in Columbia, then venture further out when the kids are a little older, I guess.
  • I’m tired of my family being so involved in my life and constantly implying that I’m not a good enough mother.  Yesterday, when I picked up the kids from my parents’ house, my mom got on my ass because I didn’t give the kids breakfast.  I always ask the kids if they want something before we leave in the mornings.  I try to give Babble Pop-Tarts and apples and even a fucking hot dog, but he won’t eat it.  I do this every fucking day.  Diva and Blaze just tell me they don’t want anything.  Is it my fault that when they got to my mom’s they wanted to eat?  I tried to get them to at home and they wouldn’t!  I’m a damn good mother, even if the house is a mess a lot.  Even if I’m behind on laundry.  The kids always have clean clothes even if I had to get up early to make sure of it. Sure, maybe the boys need haircuts or Tess grew three inches in the last two months and her pants are a little short now.  I know I’m lacking in a lot of areas, but for the love of everything holy, back the fuck off already.
  • I can’t wait until I can file my taxes and get my refund.  I just hope I get enough to do everything I need to do.  Like buy a car.  It sucks using my mom’s.  I hate that she’s doing without and I hate that she’s held it over my head when she’s mad at me.

So.  That’s about it, I guess.  Wait, one other thing… I love my friends. (I just wanted to end it on a high note)

Published in: on January 18, 2010 at 12:00 am  Comments (7)  

Twenty Ten, Week One

So the first week of the year is over (and then some.  Oops.) and I’ve done REALLY great with the resolutions!  Ahem.  I haven’t done anything I said I was going to do.  I did do pretty well eating lightly for lunch, but that’s about it.  Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the things I want to do?

I think that’s pretty likely.  I also think my very good friend, Karl, hit the nail on the head with his Year of Resolutions idea.  It’s too much to do everything I want at once.  Here’s the basic idea.  12 resolutions for the year, but only focus on ONE each month.  Karl says it takes 21 days to make something a habit, so theoretically, by the end of the month, it has stuck and is now a truly life changing habit.  Now I just need to decide which resolution is the most important and best to start with.  Probably the whole organizing my life thing.

Speaking of my life, things are going pretty well lately.  I’ve dropped a few more pounds, I think.  I haven’t weighed, so it’s hard to tell for sure, but I feel smaller.  I’ve noticed a few things, like the fact my collar bones are visible again.  And the curve from my waist to my hips doesn’t seem as dramatic.  Some of my clothes are a little looser, too.  I am officially a large tee-shirt now.  That’s pretty incredible considering I was a 2x this time last year.

@thefiestypage Heh. on Twitpic See? Collar bones!

There are other things going on, things that make me very happy, but I don’t want to share them just yet.  The frustrating thing about that is it’s REALLY on my mind and I just can’t think of anything else to write about.  I’ve got to get back in the habit of blogging, though, so you might just have to put up with some pretty boring shit until I do.

Oh! I could make writing one of my Year of Resolutions things.

Ugh. You know? I used to have stories to tell.  Sometimes they were funny, sometimes they weren’t, but I still had them!  Lately, I just feel like my life has no story.  Like I’m plodding along.  I feel like I’m not fully alive anymore.  Maybe its exhaustion, or just that I don’t have the fucking time to be a story.  I work so much and there’s always so much to do when I’m not working.  I’m afraid I’m missing out on my kids lives and my own.  Sort of like I’m watching a movie, but not paying attention to it.  I wonder if it’s part of the depression?

I have insurance now, so except for not having much time for it, there’s no excuse to not be in therapy.  I’m afraid they’re going to put me on a bunch of pills and while I have no problem with that, I worry that I won’t be me anymore.  All I know is I’m on edge all the fucking time, even when I’m happy.  My mood swings from exhilarated to despondent with lightning speed.  In fact?  It just happened.  I’m not despondent, just low, but a little while ago I was happy.  Is not having anything decent to write about sufficient to cause a mood swing?

I’m just going to put it all out of my mind and forget it.  Tomorrow I’ll pay more attention to life and have a story to tell.  Promise.

Published in: on January 10, 2010 at 12:30 am  Comments (8)